I’ve done enough 10km time trials by now to know my typical reactions: either I dread them, feeling unprepared, annoyed, and not in the mood, or I go in too confident, sure I’ll crush it… only to be disappointed.

That disappointment has started to weigh on me more than I realised. It lingers. I work so hard, consistently, and still, the outcomes sometimes—uhm, often—don’t reflect the effort I’ve put in. Over time, something in me has quietly shifted. I’ve started not wanting to try—not because I don’t care, but because I care so much. I hate the hurt that comes with feeling like I’ve fallen short.

Last Monday morning, my coach told me I’m due for another 10km time trial this coming Friday. And to my surprise, a new response showed up. I didn’t push back. I didn’t pretend to be excited either. I replied:

“Sigh… I’m not sure I am ready yet. Curious to see if I can do better? Yes… But not ready…”

That line stayed with me all day. Why that response? Why not my usual “I’m not keen at all,” or “Maybe I can go for that PB”? Why suddenly… curious?

I think it’s the first time I’ve let myself feel curious without needing to also feel confident—something I had lost so long ago. Or so hesitant that I don’t want to try at all. I’m not trying to prove anything. I’m not avoiding anything. I’m standing in the middle of not knowing. That place between fear and excitement. Just… curious.

If it’s not a test, nor a statement, then maybe Friday’s 10km is just a line in the sand. A simple: “Let’s see where you’re at.”

I’m curious (ha ha, so curious about so many things it seems) to see, after the run, whether this mindset changes how I feel afterwards. Maybe curiosity is the way forward.

The way to keep caring without being crushed.

The way to try without tying everything to the result.

The way to survive outside of my comfort zone…

What might happen if you approached things with curiosity instead of expectation or hesitation? Do you think it matters?

P.S. My training week looks slightly different now, probably because I am running my first Cross-Country event on Saturday. I will be curious about a 10km time trial another day.